Betrayal

Tonight as I sat in my bath and stared at my face in the mirror and couldn't help but feel DEFEATED, TIRED, SCARED, DISAPPOINTED, EMBARRASSED, FAT and UGLY. Tears were running down my face as I realised how I was describing myself and it hit me hard. I am no longer who I once was and that took me by surprise. I was once confident, outgoing, funny and talkative but now I'm the background girl, the reserved girl, the self pity girl.

I can't exactly tell you the exact date that this started to happen, it scares me to think that I've been like this for a long time but as I look around me I feel like it has been years because I no longer have those people I cherished so dearly around me anymore. Because who wants the sad girl as their friend, the Debby downer as you would say. Or maybe the party pooper. Who wants the girl who is consistently second guessing her worth, second guessing her beauty, second guessing who she is.

I have betrayed myself.

I have allowed food to become my drug.

It satisfies me in ways nothing else does and that is both scary and sad.

I know I am not the only person who is struggling with such problems, lets face it we live in a world where eating disorders have blended into our society. We tuck it into the back of our minds to deal with it later because it is too hard to deal with it now. It's too hard to look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you have a problem and you need to figure something out. I was too scared to look at myself in the mirror. I still am but for the first time in a couple of years I have finally seen myself for who I have become. I have let my addiction create this person who doesn't respect herself anymore, who consistently bashes herself, who speaks negatively and someone who is too scared to live.

For about a year and a half I have been trying to focus on getting fit and thin and sexy. I even created a stupid Instagram account. Every night I go through my feed and see all these wonderful woman transform themselves into these amazingly beautiful woman and here I sit still the same weight...actually let's be honest for once I am now 3kg heavier and at my heaviest.

I guess I need to be honest with myself and look at myself once more in the mirror and ask myself what is more important at this point. Food or being happy, being the person I once was. Do I honestly want to be this sad person forever.

NO!!!!!!

I want to be confident. I want to be outgoing. I want to be worthy. I want to be me...and I might not know who me is yet but I am going to find her. I am taking this seriously because it takes that one real look at yourself in the mirror to realise how far you have fallen. And believe me I have fallen...I have nowhere else to go but back up. I need to climb back up and be the person who God created me to be. I need to take charge of my life.

And yes I know this isn't going to be easy. Believe me I know. I have been struggling with my weight for my whole life but I have this burning desire in my to change this. I WILL DO THIS. I CAN DO THIS!

I need to do this for me.
I need to change my life for the better.
I need to live for something because right now this drug is taking me down.